TEAM AND MATCH PLAY OFF AND RUNNING

 

TEAM PLAY UPDATE

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After an executive ruling—which, let’s be honest, was mostly just a lot of whining, foot stomping, and passive-aggressive texts—the PUNCH CUT FADES have been granted permission to defend their 2024 title. For those whose memory is as rusty as their short game, the team features GOODY, DANIELS, KIMBALL, and GIBBY… which honestly sounds less like a golf team and more like the cast of a forgotten 80s prep school comedy where the principal always gets pantsed.

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Rounding out the chaos, we’ve got the freshly rebranded SPEEDPLAY, starring podcast personalities and self-proclaimed golf philosophers TROUP, VILLA, REYNOLDS, and… RICKY—who’s either the team’s secret weapon or their emotional support animal. Time will tell.

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Next up, B.O.M.P., which might stand for something inspirational, or maybe they just liked the sound of a bass drum hitting a wall. That squad includes BANVILLE, ORSILLO, MACKAN, and BROPHY. Expect their team meetings to be electric—fun in that “open bar at a wake” kind of way.

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Then there’s MO MONEY, our team with the most financially inspired name and the least chance of splitting a check evenly. Led by newcomer Mo Kauff, and flanked by MURPHY, “Just Tony” PASTORE, and SKIP—who will, fittingly, skip most of the season.

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And finally, tied for 3rd (just like everyone else not leading or losing) are the SANDBAGGERS—a name so fitting it could honestly apply to every team in this league of rule-bending weekend warriors. This crew features LAVIGNE, MORAN, the ever-salty MR. HATE, and a rotating WILD CARD slot each week, which could be a ringer, a rando, or someone who just wandered in looking for the snack bar.

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Let the beer-fueled mediocrity begin!

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MATCH PLAY UPDATE

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Atlantic Country Club was the battleground for our first matches of the season, and frankly, it looked less like a golf outing and more like Custer’s Last Stand—if Custer had played a Pro V1 and triple-bogeyed the 18th. For the full dramatic breakdown, tune into the podcast. But here’s the highlight reel:

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GIBBY narrowly escaped with a 2-up win over Villa, citing “group pressure” and a “contact high” from his playing partners in his post-round presser. Honestly, the man looked like he’d just walked out of a Phish concert, not a golf match.

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In the “Besties Beatdown” of the day, Goodwin smoked Lavigne 5 & 3. Sources say Goodwin moved to the South Shore in March just to prep for this Southern Swing. It’s paying off, and Lavigne? Well, we probably won’t hear from him again unless it’s to report his standings in the weekly putt-putt league he now shares with Murphy and Brophy.

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Mackan put an end to Reynolds’ day in a tiebreaker that had less drama than you'd expect considering he and Villa played 40 matches in Myrtle just to prep for this. Hope they enjoyed the vacation—maybe next year, boys.

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Skip (in classic Skip fashion) rolled over Murphy, citing some vague Medicare clause that allowed him to play from the cart and take four strokes a hole. Being 70% titanium has never been more advantageous.

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And finally, James W. Troup put the final nail in the coffin for the Podcast Killer, handing “Just Tony” a 3 & 2 loss in what can only be described as a surgical takedown. The downgrade from “Tony Pastore” to “Just Tony” hurts the most. That one… that one stings

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Here's a link to Steve's stupid letter if any cares.